That's right get the girl out!

Over in Israel, they elected some women to some office position, but won't admit to it. Sounds like someone's cheating on their wives.

Heroes For Hire

I don't know why I'm posting this here. But some old friends.. ala the famous Matt from Hachland and a person of no interest recently asked me for a favor. The favor being to create them a website. I said sure. Seeing as I thought it'd be purely about porn. I mean come on, right? Porn sells.

But no, it was not!

So what am I doing for them? Or what are they doing? I don't know. Who cares. But any ways, to the point, Matt and the person of no interest are launching their entertainment company, a company which they have announced to be called Heroes For Hire.

Now, why is this part of Hachland news? And why now after all this? I don't know, but it's something I'm doing.

Just wanted to let you know and all.

For those interesting in learning more about Matt's new career adventure, please sit right back and I'll tell you all about it.

Or just check out the site, which I'm working on, and could need some help if you have any clue about WordPress. Let me know...

Oh that website is HFHEntertainment.com

It Wasn't As Good As The Book?

I'm sure we've all heard this before.

We go and see a movie with a friend, or two, or more -- the number doesn't really matter. What does, is that after the credits roll and you walk out to the car, someone in your party will pipe up and say "I liked it..." or "It was ok..." or something along those lines, and then finish off their insightful comment with "...but it wasn't as good as the book."

Granted, not all movies are based on books, but with Hollywood's seeming shortage of creativity these days, more often than not, movies are based on something. So which version was better?

First, a brief history lesson. Let's go back through the past few Best Picture winners of the Academy Awards.

~The Departed, based on a Chinese movie, which was original
~Million Dollar Baby, based on a short-writing
~Lord of The Rings, based on the Tolkien books
~Chicago, based on the play, which was based on another play, which was based on a book
~A Beautiful Mind, based on a biography

I could go on and on, but (with the exception of The Departed), it seems as though Best Picture winners -- that is, supposedly, the best that Hollywood can do -- are based on books. So are these examples of film at its finest not as good as the pieces of paper they were originally written on? I doubt it.

Lets take Lord of the Rings as an example. Here it is as a book:

The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien

Wow, feel the excitement. It really makes me want to cook up some popcorn and relax while getting my buttery fingers all over the pages. Now here is the Lord of the Rings as a movie:

Scene from The Two Towers

This isn't to say that the Lord of the Rings isn't a good book. They're great...at least what I read of them. But when it comes down to it, would I rather read the book or see the movie? Not a hard choice.

So why do people always insist that the book is better than the movie? Well, since I used to be one of those types, I can think of a few reasons.

The first is that the person is living like its 1900. They may be the type who tends to think TV is responsible for ruining our youth, since its supposedly been proven to rot one's brain. Because there's no such thing as smart TV. Movies can't make you think. Books own a monopoly in that. Ok, sure.

The second theory is a matter of time. If you wanted to watch all 3 Lord of the Rings, it'll set you back a good 9 hours (closer to 12 if you watch the extended cuts). Thats quite a bit of time, but nowhere near as long as it will take you to read all those pages. For other movies, the difference is even greater. A 400 page book which will take the average person days to read (if they put in an hour or two a day) will take 90 minutes on a screen. So if a person happened to put in all that time reading the book, of course they are going to justify that it was worth their time. They somehow got more out of the story, by committing a month to reading it, than their friend did who saw it recapped in under two hours.

When I read Jurassic Park in the summer of 1993, it took me well over a week. Mind you, I read this on a road trip, where I often sat in a car for countless hours every day. So when I saw the movie later that summer, I wanted to feel like all the time spent reading the book meant something. Anyone could see the movie, but I actually read the book, AND it was better! Yeah, sure.

This isn't to say that all books fail in comparison to their movie counterparts. Some actually are better. It's just that most aren't. Unless you are on drugs and/or have an active imagination, why strain yourself to try and visualize the story in your head if you can just see it on a screen in front of you. Lets face it, books (though not all of them) were written for entertainment. You read them to be entertained. At least I did, as a kid. But the problem is, at some point the TV was invented, and has replaced the book as the preferred form of storytelling entertainment. There is nothing wrong with that, that's just the way it is. If I want to be entertained, I'll always pick a two hour movie over putting two hours into reading a book, only to find that I still have 500 pages to go.

There will always be a use for books. If you want to read a book, read Plato. Read Stephen Hawking. Just read something that will make you smarter. If you read anything else, you're just wasting your time. If you want to argue with me that David Copperfield, or some other classic piece of literature, was better than its screen adaptation, then fine, though I doubt even if it was slightly better that that somehow justifies the added time. Just don't go and watch Bridget Jones' Diary, only to tell me the book was better. Because now you're wasting my time.

Busted! Car with pot in trunk hits trooper's car

Um... yeah, this is funny...



ORANGEBURG, S.C. - It might have been one of the easiest drug busts in the history of the South Carolina Highway Patrol: A car with 43 pounds of marijuana crashed into a trooper’s cruiser, authorities said.

The easy bust happened after two patrolmen parked their cars in each lane of northbound Interstate 95 near Santee early Sunday morning following a series of wrecks that had tied up traffic, Highway Patrol Capt. Chris Williamson said.

A Chevrolet Malibu going about 70 mph hit one of the cruisers, causing minor injuries to the trooper behind the wheel, Williamson said.

Read More Of This....

Hachey Cares: I Care For You

Are you sick and tired of getting advice from 14 year old girls? Or even worse 60 year old women who claim to be doctors? Don't worry anymore, Hachey's here and he's here to care.

So yeah, we all have had some questions that we asked friends or family or even someone who gives advice for a living, but did you really get the right answer? I don't think so. Below are a few of the first questions I've been asked, some I've been asked numerous times, others, not too much. But these are the best of the best.

Basically, this is a testing phase of this feature, but I feel with that my advice will actually help unlike those you see on talk shows, newspapers and other forms.

Hey, it's just my opinion.

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Dear Hachey,

Hello, I am beginning to think my roomate is falling in love with me. I'm a 19 year old female and I'm in my first year at college, which is a big thing for me, because I have left all of my friends and family a state away from me. My roomate and I have become very close friends, seeing as we are always in the room together and have so much in common. But recently I'm thinking she might want me in a sexual manner. She has said she's bi-sexual, yet she hasn't told many of her friends and hasn't even told anyone in her family. She said I was like the fourth person that actually knows, other than her, but she says the only other girls she has told she's been with. I'm not homophobic or anything, and I don't think of girls in any way like that. But as we do certainly live in the same room, sometimes we change in the room in front of each other. I usually turn my back so she doesn't see much, but the other day she had woke me up to tell me she was going to take a shower, because I had class at the same time she did. As she came back to the room, she had just dropped her tower and revealed everything to me. I was shocked and quickly turned away and we never talked about it. Do you think she is doing things like these to get me to be with her in a sexual manner?

- Confused College Girl

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Hachey's Advice

Ummm...... Well, let me get over my own personal visuals of this. I'm picturing you as this blonde who's probably around a 36C breast size and your roommate is probably one of those kinky girls and her visual has me screaming a brunette who probably has one of those shoot it here tattoos. So yeah, I'd say you should make the move, like by doing the same thing she does.

OR

Just ask her what's the deal and tell her your feelings that you are a nerdy book worm and don't want to use the oppertunity known as college to experiment. And basically just ruin my fantasy.

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Dear Hachey,

I'm a seventeen year old boy and I find the only girl I can talk to and that understands me is my 20 year old sister. We usually don't do anything without each other. Our parents don't understand it very much, but we love it and everything. We actually moved into the same room together and we share a bed together. We sadly just sleep though, I wish there was more. Do you have any tips on getting to the next level?

- boy in love with his sister

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Hachey's Advice

This is sick. You are sick. Both you and your sister need to realize that outside of the state of Kentucky this is... well, disgusting. Don't do it, don't ever think about making any moves on trying to get your sister in the sack or whatever that it is you want to do. So my tip would be get out now, move out of the bedroom and move into your own. Your parents don't understand because they think you and your sister are crazed animals that don't know the difference between right and wrong. It's my good guess that they will surely be killing themselves sooner than later. So don't. But give me your sisters phone number.

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Dear Hachey,

I am a woman who primarily enjoys the company of women (e.g., I'm gay). However, I often find that I am not typically attracted to "gay" women. Usually, I am always into women who identify as "straight" or who have "bi-tendencies." It's difficult to have long-term relationships with these women, but maybe I don't really want those kinds of involvements. I don't know.

I wish there were some way of meeting new women that didn't involve chat rooms or "gay" bars. Any ideas?

- looking for something new women

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Hachey's Advice

Well, as a man, this may be just a tad difficult for me to answer. One way would for me to take you out and treat you right. And show you how a cock feels in your mouth. And this would make it easier for you to find a girl. I mean, that'd make you as you stated as of having "bi-tendencies" So that'd be easier to relate with those bi's and well, then you'd by bi. And there is nothing wrong with bi's, unless they're guys. But other than that for meeting chicks in places that don't invovle chat rooms or gay bars.. Well, this is something I've been quite troubled with too. There is hundreds of dating sites, but you usually have to pay for them, one easy way would be to use Myspace.com.. You can always find a hottie or two there. Are you on that? And what's your bust?

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Dear Hachey,

ok I'm really inexperienced here so help needed. I recently had sex for the first time and like most people was extremely disappointed. To start with my bf did not rub my clit properly so i wasnt wet enough and it hurt more than when I've used a vibrator in the past. 2ndly I never felt any pleasure no matter what angle we tried. We were at it for the best part of an hour most of the time he was thrusting really hard and fast which made me dizzy cos of breath being knocked out of me and pain cos I think he was hitting my cervix.

There was no friction cos I was really really wet (using a condom though)and even when he would slow down for a while the grinding didn't help either. At the end of it he never came and I only let him continue so that he could get off cos I knew first few times I wasn't gonna b satisfied anyway so may as well help him! We tried so many positions and not one of them even though they were hitting my g spot managed to arouse me enough to climax. I was so knackered at the end too cos of the effort of trying to keep up with him and the inside of my legs feels like I've been horse riding for the first time!

Why did he not cum though? Why won't he cum when I give him a hand job too? He says it lasted longer cos i was so good but i think he was trying to make me feel better for being inexperienced. What should I do? The experience has really put me off of having sex with him again and although I wouldn't mind telling him that it wasn't pleasant cos I know he would try and improve I don't know if I can put myself through such a workout again! Please help!

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Hachey's Advice

This one, beyond my knowledge, is easy. The guy is a fag. Simple as that. Or actually, he has a problem with drugs. For I know usually with alot of thrusting, which seems be done on his side and not being able to cum is one huge sign of possibile drug use. For example, I know I don't cum when I'm one crack, so that could be it. But then again, we could just stick with the first one. Yet, you wonder about something because I know even when I'm with a girl I try my hardest to cum, even if it is fake cum. So if you are interested in getting a guy to cum and not having so much thrusting and well, you doing all the work and I'll just do the cumming. Let me know, I'm always available.

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Dear Hachey,

i started seeing this guy a few months ago and we started as mates going to the pub and talking , anyway we did eventually sleep together and after we decided to stay mates .

anyway i had feelings for him and he kept saying i dont want a seriouse relationship so i left it and kept it as mates , so this month i found i was falling for him again , and he said he was also and wanted to be more and didnt see me as shag mates ,and that he will phone later

so he told me he will be busy a few weeks ago and i didnt contact him as i was alo then , i phoned him this week and hes sooo cold to me now , he now told me hes met someone else and he really likes her , should i stay mates with him or should i end it

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Hachey's Advice

This one may be hard for you to understand, but you are what I consider a fuck and hang on to. Or something along those terms. Yeah, there is another girl, because he got you, he was able to get the milk for free. But this seems to be a situation of long distance or atleast long time seeing, so it's basically my idea with everything, you jump on now or never at all. It's hard to bring the feelings back once they are gone. Although that'd be the technical way of thinking of it, the actual way of thinking of this is quite simple. He's just looking for you to be there in case things go wrong. You are probably one of the first girls he calls when he's looking for a quick and cheap fuck. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Or you just have a nasty pussy.

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Dear Hachey,

Should I be concerned if someone in my family is watching animal porn? Is there something wrong with him or is there a reason why they like to watch that? It makes me feel sick about it, but i'm not sure what i'm supposed to think about that.

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Hachey's Advice

So let's see.. first I think it's you that has the problem. Especially with me. How dare you go about telling me.... I mean.. someone in my family, and then you say him.. This is quite disturbing, especially if the him is your father. If it is say your brother than I shouldn't be troubled by it. It's a simple instance of viewing something for information. He was probably just joking around with you, unless there is a massive collection of them. Or wait.. it's you isn't it? You want to fuck the family dog.. YOU SICK BASTARD!

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Dear Hachey,

i realy like girls feet, i have fantises of smelling them, licking them, and sucking there toes. i want to tell people so i can go out with the girls that don't mind but i am to scared to tell because i think that every body will find out and laugh. what should i do

- anonymous male aged 16

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Hachey's Advice

Well, look here kid, it's all up to you. You don't usually have to tell the girl while in the passion. Just go and nibble on them, but you may want to let them know whats going on before you bring over peanut butter or anything else. Because I heard there is people allergic to things.

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Dear Hachey,

Ok here's the deal I'm nearly 19 and I've still never had sex with a guy or even had oral. I know loads of you are gonna give me rubbish bout not popping my cherry with anyone and how special it is and how normal I am but no offence I really don't want to hear about any of that lousey stuff. That along with "you will meet someone right" is of no use to me right now. I wanna hear something different please. I've had like one long term relationship that last a couple of months and apart from that I've gone out with 2 other guys for less than like a month in total. When I go to clubs all I do is kiss guys and nothing more. No one ever asks me out and never seems to be interested in me. My mum and friends keep telling me I'm gorgeous and that guys are too scared to ask me out but I know its just rubbish. They told me guys would ask me out when I went to uni or clubbing or get a job but none of which has happened. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to be with anyone or if I am I'll need to lower my standards a bit more. I really want to have sex with someone now and have been dying to for a long time. I really wish I had with that one serious guy I was with cos now at least I wouldn't feel like such an idiot and wouldn't be contemplating doing it with anyone!

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Hachey's Advice

Well, honestly girl, I'm sitting right here, replying to you request and I have yet to hear word one from you other than this. So do this for me, hit up my myspace send me an email and then we'll talk. But honestly, sex shouldn't be with just anyone. For instance, for me, a woman has to pass a test. Which consists of many things. First test is, is she a girl? Then the next would be would she mind doing all the work. And lastly does she swallow? Usually after the first test, she's already doing all the work and in the end she usually swallows. Or gets hit in the back of the head.

The Great Hamburger

Why didn't Charles Schultz ever write about this one?

Ah, what a lovely thing... I would love to get my hands on that one. It's incredible right? How big that is... It's great!

To note.. this picture is linked from a website using my initials... HOW RUDE! Or cool?

So basically... this is a hamburger weighing 123 pounds.. Which as you may or may not know is like a huge amount of weight.. It's like 40 percent of Artie Lange!

This thing contains a beef patty weighing in at 80 pounds add on a 30 pound bun. And oh, don't forget the 160 slices of cheese, five onions, 12 tomatoes and one pound of each lettuce, ketchup, relish, mustard and mayonnaise.

Although I put on about a pound of mayonnaise on a regular 8 ounce hamburger.

This thing can be found at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennslyvania and it only costs a cheap little amount of 369 dollars. Cheap right?

So yeah, I'd like to eat it. Wouldn't you?

The Difference Is Simple

On the internet today, you'll find nearly everything. Things that will cause you to think, things that cause you to turn your head, things that well, are just basically that stupid you feel the instant need to run to the doctors office and find out how many brain cells have been lost just for viewing the stupidest shit you've ever seen.

Of course Hachland is proud to be known for most brain loss. But sometimes there is other sites out there that challenge us. So um, yeah, let's review a few.

This Just In

Yeah, it's a website. I'm still not sure if it's This Just In or This Justin. Either way, I just discovered it, which is hard to do, especially when it's powered by AOL and I am currently plunged to using AOL, hard right?

Well, it's a website, about news and other stuff, making pranks on it and all that. Great right? Well, if you enjoy reading the definetion of K-force-fed. And no, it's not described as one who marries a rich pop star that goes bitterly insane and lives off her wealth. It's described as to compel a a K-list celebrity to eat humble pie. That is just plain teriable.

How about a original word, a new one. How about K'd? Which is defined simple, someone who does every man's dream, find a rich pop or porn star of the female kind and gets them to fall in love with them and hangs on for all it's worth. It's great right? Maybe not the greatest definition, but the inital understanding is quite simple. I just K'd her. Or I just go this girl to pay for everything. K'd, using a female as your sugar daddy.

K'd does have other uses, and other close terms. Such as K.O.'d. Which is what Howard K. Stern had happen to him. Which is the ending result of this. When the sugar momma ends it all, either in death or realization. Well, I suppose it happened to Kevin Federline, yeah.

Which sparks something incredibly interesting. Yet, that'll have to wait for Hachland itself, right? Ha...

So yeah, I was reviewing some websites right? Opps.

Well, using the list of links ala friends of This Just In, because I want to see some more bad sites like this. I mean, how is that stuff actually allowed. It's presented by HBO and AOL, some executives should be well, fired. Or K.O.'d!

So what else is there for me to rip on? I don't know.